Ask Isadora: Big Girls’ Toys

Big Girls’ Toys

*  I use a vibrator for my personal pleasure.  I am used to reaching climax with it and am having a difficult time doing that without it. My new boyfriend will not let me bring it into bed with us.  He says he can learn to do whatever I like and we don’t need any mechanical help.  How can I convince  him that it is not a personal threat to his manhood?

You might ask him to watch you masturbate.  Many men find that very erotic.  Point out the things you like about your lovemaking with him – kisses, caresses, etc. and also point out that you need a certain rate and intensity of stimulation to climax that a human can not provide, no matter how willing.  You might also show him how he might receive pleasure from a vibrator by using it on him. If he still refuses to allow it in the bed you share you can either use your vibrator privately after you’re with him or you can find a more open minded boyfriend.

*  Is it true that a sexual surrogate will have intercourse with a client?  How is that different from a prostitute who provides sexual services for money?

One can not engage a sexual surrogate for a specific sexual act, like one from Column A, two from Column B.  A qualified sexual surrogate works as part of a team with the client’s psychotherapist who usually is the one to make the referral.  The presenting issue may be how to have sex safely after a heart attack or how to learn better ejaculatory control or to become orgasmic.  The work the client and surrogate do will include breathing exercises, relaxation, touch and other things that lead up ton a specific sexual act or acts, but does not necessarily include any sexual acts themselves. The aim of working with a sexual surrogate is to learn specific helpful sexual life skills, not to just get off quickly, as one would with a prostitute.

* I am a college girl. I have had a boyfriend for the past two years but I am developing strong feelings for a girl in my civics class. I don’t know what to make of it.  Could I be a lesbian and not know it?

Sexual feelings often sneak up and surprise us, but so do romantic emotions other than sex.  That’s what  most of us would define as a crush.  You can define as heterosexual and still be attracted to a woman in that way.  It’s possible you could finally be coming out to yourself as a lesbian.  You could also see yourself as bisexual, capable of having sexual feelings toward men and women. What you decide to call yourself or how you decide to see yourself sexually may rest on what, if anything, you want to do with this girl.  You don’t have to act on sexual feelings to define your sexual orientation but what you decide to do about your feelings for her may help make things clearer  to yourself.

* At what age does a boy’s penis stop growing?

There is no one specific number.  Some boys can be fully sexually mature at 13, others not until they are out of their teens. Those of African descent tend to mature sexually at an earlier age than whites or Asians but it really is an individual matter.  The age that one’s father and other male relatives reached sexual maturity can sometimes help one know what to expect.