No Glove, No Love
* Dear Isadora, I’m a 60 yr. old woman, single for most of my life. I have a terrible time trying to get the men in my life to wear a condom. They’re able to get an erection, but lose it when trying to put a condom on. Then they try to enter me. I call it “assault with a dead weapon”. It’s very frustrating because they get upset with me. Mind you, I only date one man at a time. I’m tired of being a “good sport”. Who would have thought at the age of 60, I’d be in this position?
It’s very common for men of all ages to wilt when putting on a condom. After you have helped him put it on, continue touching, kissing, talking. It will return as sure as the swallows do to Capistrano. It’s best to let a prospective partner know early on that condoms are a requirement for you. If they get upset or blaming, consider dating younger men who usually are more used to condoms as a necessary fact of life.
* I’ve been doing this “on-line dating” thing for a while. My wife and I have discussed getting a divorce, meanwhile we’re still living under the same roof. I can’t afford to pay for two households right now. I’ve “met” a few nice people with on line dating, some even in person. No sparks. I know I don’t want to be alone for very long when I finally end the marriage completely. I also fear, as my wife has warned me about, that I may not find any better relationship than what I’ve got.
What you have clearly isn’t very satisfactory. I think you need to either spend some real energy on trying to fix whatever is wrong in your marriage or resolve that you will be alone for awhile when it’s over. Being on your own is not the end of the world and is a necessary step in reviewing your previous bad choices, understanding them, and resolving not to make the same ones again. You are unlikely to find a better relationship unless and until you do.
*So this guy really wants me to go down on him but based on past experience I know I don’t like it for several reasons: Physically, it’s uncomfortable on my jaw, causes a gag reflex, and the result tastes disgusting and makes me want to vomit (not helped by the gag reflex!). Emotionally, it feels like being subjugated somehow, in a really unsexy way. I’ve kept him from going down on me because I don’t want to feel obligated to reciprocate. But he’s told me several times now that he really likes it. What should I do?
Tell him what you told me, that you are unlikely to reciprocate and he needs to know that. Is it a deal breaker for him? It might be. Very few people want a partner doing something out of guilt, that’s physically uncomfortable, and that might literally make them ill. Nonetheless, many people, men and women, have come to expect oral sex to be a necessary part of a full sexual exchange . Perhaps if he accepts your refusal gracefully and brings you pleasure with his mouth you might look again at your stance on the issue and do some experimenting. I have always thought that the giver of oral pleasure is in a position of great power ( “Look how I can make you writhe in delight!”) rather than subjugation. Talk to him about your feelings.. That way lies intimacy even more directly than oral sex.