Ask Isadora: Any Man Can

 Any Man Can
 *I am 23 yrs old and have been married to my husband who is 36 yrs old for 2 years. Our sex life has plenty of foreplay and spice, except after penetration. My husband will orgasm usually within 1-3 minuets after penetration . This is not a new problem and he does openly acknowledge that he does not last as long as he would like. He is not comfortable with taking pills but he doesn’t attempt to do any other methods like masturbation or kegels for men. Any suggestions?
He will have to do something or things will remain exactly as they are. Any man can train himself to postpone ejaculation but it takes repeated exercises just the way it does for learning any new skill. The necessary steps to last longer are outlined in such excellent sexual health books as Zilbergeld’s The New Male Sexuality or in many videos available by Googling “lasting longer”. They all involve practice and many require self-stimulation. If that’s something he won’t do, he might reconsider speaking to his doctor about Levitra or its ilk. My suggestions are that he get over “feeling comfortable”, bite the bullet, and do something about this for both your sakes.
* I’ve just discovered my husband (age 67) has spent a lot of money on lap dancing, which he calls a harmless vice.  To me, it feels like almost infidelity.  But I really don’t know exactly what it is.  What body parts actually touch, for instance?
What exactly touches what will depend on the law in your community and how strictly it is enforced by the establishments your husband attends. No place allows actual intercourse and very few allow genital touching so no actual infidelity is likely to take place. However, this would be a good question to address directly to your husband so you can hear his reasons for indulging in his “harmless vice”, reassure yourself about what goes on, voice your objections to whatever you specifically don’t like (beyond wasting his money), and perhaps even learn to provide some of what he’s missing when he goes out site seeing.
* What can you tell me about personal lubricants? I am new to their use.
Whether you use diaphragms or condoms will dictate the use of a lubricant that does not interact badly with them – no products with petroleum. If you or your partner have a tendency towards yeast infections lubricants containing glycerin seem to encourage vaginal fungal infections. Some people have allergic reactions to various ingredients which you may not know until you have tried them. Many friendly neighborhood sex shops or even well stocked pharmacies can provide a large selection for trying out. Odor, taste, viscosity (that’s gooiness!) vary widely and are a matter of personal preference. When in doubt, good old-fashioned saliva might be sufficient.
 * Is there a difference between a turn-on and a fetish? Is it a matter of degree or what? Are these things inborn or learned?

A turn-on can be anything that catches your erotic interest like shapely legs or a kiss on the neck. A fetish is something particular without which sex just can’t happen for you, something usually not sexual to most others such as a certain article of clothing that must be worn or an act that has to be included, such as spanking. We all have our turn-ons. Those with fetishes have a psychological problem, Preferences, predilections, and fetishistic behaviors are learned early on in one’s sexual development, often in earliest childhood.