Ask Isadora: Ouch!


*  I am a 57 year old married man in need of a knee replacement, maybe two. I know most men want to know how to make sex last longer but with my painful knees I want to get it over as quickly as possible because most positions hurt.  What can I do?

There is an old gag that goes: Patient:  “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” Doctor: “So don’t do it.” Your solution is obvious, my man.  Not stop having sex with your wife, but stop using those positions which hurt.  Be a little creative here.  If you usually kneel on the bed, stand on the floor beside the bed and have your wife move closer to the edge.  This can work with front or rear entry positions.  You might also try the woman on top with you on your back.  Many couples like this once they get used to it.  Other solutions will appear if the two of you do some problem solving together.

* I am a single woman of 45. I am dreading family reunions which happen every summer because I am inevitably asked about my single status.  Why is this a problem?

Your problem is your rude relatives, not your single status. People like to get into other people’s private business.  If you were married and childless, you would face equally intrusive questions about your personal affairs and if you were pregnant, single or coupled, the questions (and the uninvited touching of your belly) might be even more offensive. When bothered by people’s probing into private areas of your life try a comment such as “I’ll let you know if there’s any news”, and then ask the questioner about his or her life. You’re off the hook and they will probably be off and running.

*  You hear a lot from men who write you, I imagine.  Do they all just want more sex or are there some who actually say they want emotional intimacy?  Is sharing his thoughts and feelings or even his living space just stuff a guy has to put up with in order to get regular sex?

If you read my mail over the years or if the married men you know were honest you would know that living together is absolutely no guarantee of having regular sex!  There is absolutely no true statement that begins “All men….” or “No man ever …..”  Men are individuals not all that different from women, never mind the myths that we come from different planets.  Most people want to love and be loved, feel understood and valued, and have a good rewarding emotional and sexual life.  How they put that together or if they ever succeed will vary from person to person, not from one gender to the next.  If couples were more willing to be honest about their wants and needs there would be very little about this war between the sexes stuff and a lot more  “we’re all in this together and nobody is going to get out of this alive, so why don’t we co-operate in getting what we both want?”

 P.S.   I have written often here about loss of libido in women around the time of menopause. In a recent survey of 580 menopausal women conducted by the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. 45% reported a decrease in sexual desire after menopause, 37% said no change, and 10% reported an increase.  If you are a gambler those are not  too terrible odds.