Ask Isadora: Is She Right?

 Is she right?

* I am a 55 years relatively health man. I have been involved with the same women age 56 for a number of years. We have had difficulties in our relationship , however, for the most part we have worked out these issues. The problem is my premature ejaculation. I have never suffered this as a continuous issue with other women, only with her. She thinks this condition is because ” I love her, but I do not like her.” Because I do not want to disappoint her, nor embarrass myself, we do not have sex. The truth is I would do anything to be able to screw her lights out. I have no problem rising to the occasion; the too early exit is the trouble.  HELP

As I have written many times, any man can learn to last longer by  repeatedly practicing a program of certain retraining exercises.  Those exercises can be found online and in most sexual education manuals.  At its most basic they consist of stopping at a certain point in arousal, backing off until control is regained, and then starting sexual activity again, repeating this several times until you recognize and can back off automatically before going over the edge. If you have control on your own but  not with her, I strongly recommend you see a sex therapist to deal with the issues in your relationship that are causing it. Your partner may be right!

* I was reading your column this morning, and in an otherwise accurate response to a question about the differences between a turn-on and a fetish, you described fetishes as a “psychological problem.” A fetish is only a problem of you make it one: most partners are willing to oblige fetishes if presented as something interesting and fun about your sexuality, and not something terrible that you feel compelled to hide. If fewer people regarded fetishes and kinks as problems, there would be less infidelity and more sexually gratified people.

I agree.  Both that a  problem need not be a problem unless one makes it so and that a partner who is willing to indulge a fetish is one to be treasured, but  you live a charmed life if you believe that “most partners are willing to oblige.” If a person can find a partner who shares his or her sexual predilections or can induce a partner to share his pleasures everyone benefits.  However, those with fetishes that are complicated, such as requiring sex  take place in water or wearing certain costumes or involve various ritual acts can be and usually are off-putting to those who love them and want to engage in a broader range of sexual activities than a fetishist is willing or able to do.

* You mention frequency of sex and libido for menopausal women.  What about us 70+ women?  My libido has really diminished, and I’m thinking I may not be so abnormal.  It’s not something we discuss among our friends.  I don’t think men 70+ ever lose their libido!

Post menopausal women means every woman of any age who has finished  having periods.  When menstruation stops hormones diminish.  That includes testosterone, which governs sexual desire.  Men usually have far more testosterone than most women, so even though testosterone also diminishes as men age, the levels to which it drops are usually still higher than most women’s. When you have same age couples wherein the woman is more interested in sex than the man there is often other additional causes such as relationship difficulties, performance anxiety, and/or health problems of other kinds.