Ask Isadora: The Latest Buzz

The Latest Buzz

 *Do men ever use vibrators?

A recent study out of Indiana University of more than 1000 men found that almost 45%of men had incorporated a vibrator into their sexual activities.  There was no statistical differences between men who identified as heterosexual, gay or bisexual. 91% of heterosexual men who used a vibrator did so during sex with women partners. That means that around 10% if men did so by themselves, which is what I think you are asking here.

* How long should we date until we have sex?  We are both adults over 21 and we are having some disagreement here about timing.

That’s not unusual.  Men often (but not always) want sex sooner than women do.  There is no one right time.  Every couple has to agree what that is for the two of them.  Having it sooner rather than later or waiting for several weeks, months or years has no bearing on the happiness or longevity of the relationship. So keep on talking until you reach agreement on a time that feels comfortable and right to both. While you are having these discussions , throw into the mix questions about birth control methods, STD protection, and expectations for this relationship.  For some people sex is simply a pleasant pastime.  For others it implies a long term commitment.  Be sure each of you is on the same page.

* I am a single man of 69 thinking of moving to some sort of retirement community.  I know that the older we get the more women outnumber men so that any such senior housing will have far more women residents than men, a prospect that sounds fine to me except for one thing.  I understand there are all sorts of rules and regulations that discourage or even outlaw any consenting sexual activity.  Can this be right?

It depends on the kind of senior housing you inhabit.  Some communities have homes, condos and apartments where you are entirely independent and in which you can have complete privacy and autonomy.  Some nursing homes, on the other hand, have strictly segregated men’s and women’s areas and there is no entertaining in one’s (often shared) room nor any place two adults can go for private time together. I sincerely hope those policies are no longer as widespread as they once were but  make sure of the rules of any housing before you move in. If anyone close to you lives in such a rigidly sex segregated place and wants those restrictions lifted, I urge you to help them campaign for changes to the governing body.

* I am just coming out to myself and the world as a gay woman.  It’s been quite a struggle and now I would like to help other young women come to terms with their sexuality as well as to meet other lesbians.  Do you have any suggestions where I might turn?

Two national organizations might be of interest to you – NOW, the National Organization of Woman, ( and PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (  A clearing house promotes lesbian causes and connections on the Internet.  Any such large organization will have some guide to mentoring programs on a local level or could steer you in that direction. Also check with local colleges for clubs like gay/straight student alliances or gay pride social events.  The network is there once you tap into it.