Ask Isadora #39-08 : Cultural Considerations

*I am a 34 years old woman .I guess I have a sexual hysteria problem that I’ve suffered for 8 years. I lost my sexual feeling 8 years ago and now I have no sexual desire or sexual motivation about men or women. I tried to relate with some men but I never have excitation or pleasure. The origin of this disorder refers to 12 years ago when a girl friend tried to do sexual things with me. When I was 27 years old I decided to try relations with a man but I didn’t motivate or excite him and I lost sexy feelings. I even tried relations with some women but I had no excitation . I cant get any help because of our culture. I am very alone and sad when I see people who enjoy their private life. Please guide me. What can I do?

You have already defied your cultural traditions by trying sexual relations with both men and women outside of marriage. Go a step further and find a good sex therapist, perhaps one of your own culture, to help you sort out your beliefs and your fears. Whatever age you are and whatever your background, you can learn to enjoy your sexuality. I urge you to seek therapy.

* Many years ago I remember reading a letter to your column from a guy who got off on masturbating into the salad dressing he served to his unknowing dinner guests. I remember the item because I thought that was really weird and it was one of the few times I remember you scolding any of your readers. One of the reasons I have been a fan of your column since it began and have bought all your books is because you seem to be genuinely nonjudgmental. Recently I was reading Mary Roach‘s Stiff (W.W. Norton & Co., 2003,page 232,) and she mentions “maladjusted cooks that you hear about that delight in jerking off into the pasta sauce.” That’s the second time I ever heard of this. Do you think she read about it in your old column and misremembered which dinner course the cook contaminated? Do people really do this or is it an urban myth?

People have done everything you can imagine for the sake of sexual pleasure and many things neither of us can imagine. I doubt if any of my readers who have done this will be brave enough to write me and fess up, even anonymously, but if anyone does I promise to print his message. As for Mary Roach possibly reading about it in my column years ago, it could happen. We‘re both from the San Francisco Bay area. I read her. Why wouldn‘t she read me?

*My girlfriend and I recently heard about a kink play party through a private club of kinky players we go to. I called the person who was throwing the event and she interviewed me on the phone, asking all sorts of questions about my age and looks and those of my partner and what we’re into. Then she said she was sorry but didn’t think we’d be a good fit. Isn’t that blatant discrimination and isn’t that against the law?

If you were applying for a job or an apartment and someone turned you down because you were too old or too fat or too something else, yes, that would be against the law and there are agencies that deal with such things. However, this was a private party and the host is entitled to invite in or leave out anyone she chooses on any grounds at all. Your best revenge is to throw a party of your own and not to invite her and her friends. Nyah nyah.