Ask Isadora : Who Looks?

 Who Looks?

* Is it true most women of all ages enjoy seeing a naked man who is well endowed?

Not necessarily.  Some do like to look at naked men, some don’t.  For some women it will depend on who that naked man is. Many will look at his face, hands, shoulders, and other parts before they notice the size of his penis. One can’t tell much when it’s not erect in any case.

*  I have a new boyfriend who when we have sex usually finishes before I do.  When it’s over for him it’s over.  He doesn’t ask or check to see how I feel or what I want.  How do I let him know I want more?

Words, as in “Sweetie, when we have sex I am often not done when you are, so what I’d really like is….” And spell it out.  You can ask him to use his hands, a vibrator, or perhaps to rest a bit and go again.  You can also suggest he can learn to last longer.  All of these are positive suggestions rather than criticisms and are usually heard better if discussed when the two of you are not in bed before, during, or after the proceedings.  The other way to make sexual suggestions is by actions. When he seems close to coming stop moving and indicate he is to hold off, or when he has finished take his hand and put it where you want it.  Some men have to be taught that nice guys finish last.

* Does withdrawing during sexual intercourse work as a method of birth control?  My new wife is unwilling to use any artificial methods and I am unwilling to have any children.  I guess I don’t need to tell you that I am even more unwilling to stop having sex!

I used to pose the question “What do you call people who use the withdrawal method of birth control?” The answer was “parents”. Imagine my surprise when a recent article in Contraceptive Magazine quoted studies that seem to show withdrawal is almost as effective in family planning as using condoms. Figuring into the statistics a variety of human slips-ups, typical use of condoms lead to pregnancy 17% of the time and withdrawal 18%.  Failures for the pill and the contraceptive patch are about 8%. IUDs fail less than 1% of the time. There is no perfect method of birth control for everyone.  I always suggest a couple review all their options with a physician or family clinic like Planned Parenthood so that, factoring in age, ethical considerations, reliability, etc., they can make the best possible choice for them.

* I read a discussion recently on your Sexuality Forum ( about the advisability of sleeping with your spouse; that is, actually sleeping together in one bed, not having sex. Someone quoted some expert in England who said that bed sharing is a modern custom and that more than half of the people who do share a bed have disturbed sleep. What is your opinion on this?

My opinion, as it is on most activities that take place in the bedroom, is that what one – or two- do there is entirely up to them and is no one else’s business.  That includes sleeping arrangements. However, I am glad to see the automatic assumption that a happy couple must sleep together questioned.  Many perfectly happy coupled people get  their sexual and emotional needs met and still enjoy a restful night’s sleep in their own bed and I applaud those who are not cowed by convention into doing otherwise.