Ask Isadora : Spilling the Beans

* I am a 22 year old new college graduate. Maybe because I spent all my boarding school and college years in men’s dorms most of my sexual experience has been with men. I’m not gay, since I have a definite interest in having sex with women. From my limited experience, sex with men is much more straightforward and their genitals much less complicated, maybe because I’m familiar with my own . You recently wrote about the geography of women’s genitals but, be honest. During sex one seldom has a chance to study the map. When I’m about to enter a female in the man on top position, is it okay to ask her to guide me in? Also, must I disclose that I am bisexual? I think many women feel bisexual men are disease carriers.

First, it’s okay to ask for anything you want sexually, but, of course, that’s no guarantee that you’ll get it. You could whisper sexily “Put me inside you”. Nothing wrong in that. Who’s likely to refuse if she’s all hot and bothered? Often, however, sexual requests are often easier to put out there in a nonverbal manner. Position your body or the other person’s in such a way that what you want is fairly obvious. In this case, placing her hand on your erection when you are above her, guiding her to guide you, may be all it takes. As for how much of your sexual history to disclose, that’s up to you. Assuring a new partner that you always play safe or that you’ve been recently tested for STDs (if you do and if you have) may be enough. Some women are prejudiced against bisexual men, that’s true. Some others feel bisexuals are likely to be better lovers because they are not stuck in rigid sexual role playing. When and how much to tell is going to be a risk, for sure, but it is for most people. That’s a good argument for knowing as much about your partner as possible before sex so that you can make an educated guess.

* My boyfriend will be coming back from Iraq later this month. We haven’t been together in more than a year. Is there some psychological or sexual problem I should watch out for? Have you read any reports of anything particular like that with returning vets?

Anything is possible. Just like with sex and relationships in general, there is no one size fits all solution NOR is there a typical problem or set of problems. It may take a while for your guy to readjust to you and to civilian life. He may be very sexual, making up for lost time, or less sexual because so much else is going with him. Be patient, loving, welcoming, and willing to talk if he wants to and to not if that’s what he prefers. As if I’ve often said, communication is the best lubrication – for sex or relationships.

* What’s the deal with girl on girl action scenes in almost every porn film? Is that what straight men want to see? Do lesbians watch typical commercial porn? Is it something the actresses themselves want to do? Which is it?

Any or all of the above, of course. Since such scenes show up rather frequently you can be sure they are there because film buyers and renters enjoy seeing that. Most of those are men. Good guesses why they are there are because a man can fantasize himself in the middle of a female sandwich or because for a straight man looking at two female naked bodies is better than one.