Ask Isadora : Permission To Leave

Permission to Leave

* I’ve been in this relationship with my partner for three years and it has run out of steam.  I want to end it.  My partner says it took both of us to agree to begin a relationship and it takes both people to agree to end it.  She says one can’t just walk away without the other’s agreement and she won’t let me call it quits.  Can she do that?

Only if you allow her to. Did she take away your car keys? Are you locked in the bathroom?  Otherwise any adult is free to leave a relationship that no longer works and the one left has to deal with that.  If the two of you can’t arrive at a way of parting friends (like “You take the cat and I’ll take the plants”) then lawyers have to become involved and that’s financial pain on top of the emotional one.  If  you are held to this relationship with financial obligations like a lease, mortgage, or other contract it certainly is best to get legal counsel before leaving.  One can always leave, but there usually is a cost of some sort, financial or emotional,  to both parties..

* My husband and I are seeing a couples therapist for various issues.  One is that we are not having sex.  Our therapist told us to schedule it twice a week in advance.  I don’t like that idea.  It sounds so unromantic.  Do you agree?

You want dueling therapists?  If you don’t agree with your therapist’s suggestion – therapists do not give orders – say so; to him or her, not to me. I have made this suggestion to couples in my counseling office.  Sometimes it works for the couple and sometimes not. Does it sound more romantic to you not to have any sex at all?  My suggestion is to try scheduling.  If it doesn’t work after a few times discuss it in therapy and see how you can modify the arrangement to be more comfortable for you and your husband.

*Lately I have noticed that when I ejaculate there is not as much coming out and it sort of dribbles instead of spurts the way it used to.  Should I be worried?

Both of these happenings are common as a man ages.  Try increasing the amount of water you drink by a few glasses a day.  If that doesn’t change things it would be worth it to consult a urologist, for reassurance if nothing else.

*The woman I’m with takes a very long time to reach a climax.  I have to stimulate her for at least fifteen minutes and often longer.  By that time my hand or my tongue or whatever gets tired.  You think she’d go numb from so much intense stimulation of her clitoris. Is this normal?

The question to ask is whether this is normal for her.  There is no universal time table for how long it takes all women to have an orgasm or even a universal way for that to happen.  Some women come quickly from genital intercourse, some never come that way at all but, like your partner, require direct intense stimulation of the clitoris before, after or instead of penis in vagina sex. You two might experiment with bringing a vibrator into play when you are together.  No person can provide the continuous intense stimulation of a mechanical massager.  What you describe as doing now sounds like work and using a vibrator as part of your sex  can return it to the “play” that’s preferable.