Ask Isadora: Getting In the Mood

Getting In the Mood

*My husband would like to have sex more than twice every other week but I am just exhausted after housework and dealing with the kids all day.  We light candles and listen to romantic music … but I can’t seem to relax enough to let go of myself totally.

There are two issues here: one is how much sex is too much and not enough for each of you.  The other is your being able to enjoy sex fully.  If you learn how to relax and enjoy it, you might be more interested in having sex, don’t you think?  See if you can carve out some time for yourself to take a bath or a nap or a walk, whatever will allow you to be more centered and happy in your body on those days you plan to have sex.  If your husband knows what you’re doing he probably will be very glad to help you do what’s needed by taking over the house chores while you get yourself in the mood.

* My fiancée has declared no sex til marriage next year. Ok, but there is little or no intimacy. She has had sex in the past with others but her ordainment as a minister has changed everything. But as I read your article, she may have sensitive clitoris because she has had said that intercourse was always painful to her. Also at a store there was another woman in my line of sight.  I saw her jewelry but, wow ,did that get a reaction from my fiancée! She said that that had changed her feelings toward me. Could you advise me?

It sounds like you and your fiancée have a lot of plain talking to do before you marry.  Jealousy is one important topic – what each of you must do or not do to feel comfortable in your monogamy. Come to some agreement that both can keep.  Not even looking at others of the opposite sex is not realistic.  You two need to talk about intimacy and about sex too, not the same thing.  If you can not feel close or she refuses your affectionate gestures that has to be looked at carefully.  Such things rarely change magically after the wedding vows. If intercourse has been painful for her that needs to be attended to as well.

* My new boyfriend has a hairy back.  That turns me off.  I don’t like the feel or the look of it.  Can I ask him to do something about it?  Is there anything that can be done?

You can certainly ask him if he’d mind your trying some hair remover that can be bought at any drugstore.  Make the project a fun process together if he agrees. There are also waxing salons and laser hair removal places .  You might offer to pay for these expensive procedures since it’s for your pleasure.  If he doesn’t have to bear the cost he may be more willing to bear the discomfort of having it done.

* Have you ever heard of someone fainting or blacking out after orgasm?  What does it mean if someone does this?

 It could mean that she or he had one hell of an orgasm or it could mean that something is wrong that needs to be seen to medically.  Knowing whether it is a medical problem would depend on the person’s history.  Has this happened before?  Is the person otherwise in good health?  When in doubt, it’s always best to check with a doctor, preferably one who knows the person’s health history.