Ask Isadora: More or Less Sex

Column Q&A's
* Before we move in together my sweetie and I have discussed all the potential problem areas we can think of like privacy, sharing expenses, our individual friends and families. Up until now, we have been spending weekends together but not much more time together than Friday night to Sunday night. On weekends we usually have spent a lot of time together in bed because we have been missing each other. What if we discover that when we have all the time we want to spend together one of us wants sex a lot more than the other does? What do other couples do when this happens?
Some suffer in silence; some complain loudly and often. Differences in desire for sex, for intimacy, and even for time spent together are the issues most often brought to a couples counselor. You’d think it wouldn’t happen so much in same sex couples, but it does there too, since how much one wants of one’s partner is an individual, not a gender-linked characteristic. The two of you – males, females, or one of each – need to talk about proposed solutions if this becomes a problem, since whatever you arrive at will work only if it is agreeable to both.

 *I’m trying to keep up with my new year’s resolutions Can you tell me whether enthusiastic sex can considered aerobic exercise?

It would depend on how enthusiastic and acrobatic the sex was. I can see the advantage of no gym membership or special athletic costumes or shoes If it gets your heart rate up and your blood circulating it’s certainly a hell of a lot more fun than jumping jacks or stationery bicycles. I’m tempted to say “Go for the burn!”…but maybe not.

 * I am afraid my boyfriend is a porn addict. How can I tell for sure?

 Using pornography at all or “too much” is a matter of judgment, both yours and his. I am not a fan of the whole field of addictionology, making an illness out of “inappropriate” behaviors. If your guy uses pornography as an escape from work or interpersonal relationships, if he spends money on it that is needed elsewhere, if he risks trouble with the law or if what he does makes him feel bad about himself he definitely has a problem that needs addressing. But if this a matter of his using porn occasionally in private and you not liking the fact of its use at all, the problem is between the two of you and that can be addressed by a discussion of values, perhaps with the aid of a good counselor.

 * I am a woman in my 60’s. I have always had large breasts that were not particularly sensitive to stimulation. Since I have never had a child I have always laughed that they were more decorative than functional. Over the years, of course, gravity has taken its toll and my breasts are now quite droopy. The odd thing is my nipples have recently become quite sensitive to touch. Why would that change now at my age do you think?

 If the change in sensitivity were one nipple only I would urge a medical consultation. Changes in sensitivity might indicate something wrong. Since it’s both nipples I would guess that the newer weight distribution of your breasts has affected nerve sensitivity. Or, perhaps your new love, if there is one, touches you differently than you’ve been touched in the past. I would be happy to hear any explanation from readers who have one.