Ask Isadora : What is Sex for?

* This may seem like an awfully dumb question, but what is sex supposed to be? I hear about good sex and bad sex. Sex that was too short or not something someone thought it should be. So, can you tell me what sex should be?

In my way of thinking the only thing sex is supposed to be is enjoyable to both parties, but often it isn’t to either of the people involved, or only to one of them. What sex, or enjoyable sex, would look like will vary from person to person and from occasion to occasion just like beauty in the eye of the beholder. In my booklet “Enjoying Sex With Physical and Emotional Safety: Some Solutions in an Age of Problems “($5 to me care of this paper) I write: “ First of all you must know, or be reminded, that sex does not necessarily mean intercourse. All sex is about giving and receiving pleasure. Each of us gives and receives pleasure, emotional and physical in different ways, at different times, in different situations. There is no one way sex has to be. There are no scripts.” I go on further and in detail for 21 pages, but that’s it in a nutshell. What’s sex supposed to be? As the current popular saying goes “it is what it is”.

* I understand that in Chinese or Asian porn genitals are not shown. Why is that?

Every culture has its definition of erotica and what is culturally acceptable in it. Every culture has, at various times, erotic emphasis on particular sexual acts and on particular male and female body parts. (Think of the va-va-voom factor of a woman’s ankle in the late 1800’s.) Currently we here emphasize women’s breasts and men’s penises and the bigger the better, goes the cultural stereotype. Sure, we acknowledge leg men or ass women, and we give lip service to the attraction of all body types and acts to different people (except adult/child or human/animal). The modern U.S. standard is a very narrow cultural stereotype of what’s sexy – young, thin, pearly toothed, able bodied, etc. and those who get turned on by fat people or small feet, for example, are thought of as weird by the majority. Asia encompasses a lot of different cultures. What is acceptable in China may not be in India, Taiwan or Japan. Japan, for example, has a popular eroticization of school girls, which is both illegal and immoral in most Western cultures. So, to answer your question, I don’t know exactly what is legal to show or not show graphically in various Asian countries but it makes about as much sense as most sexual taboos do.

* Is it true that men do not like women to make the first move, socially or sexually?

It’s true of some men. There is nothing that is true of all men all the time or all women all the time, particularly when it comes to mating rituals. The gazillions of books that profess to tell you THE secret of how men are and what they like and what the rules are for successful meeting and mating do more harm than good. As I said about sex, there are no rules. Some men love assertive women. Some men love assertive women only when they find the woman attractive. Some men do not like assertive women until they meet one who is and then they do. One has to be able to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty in the relationship game. That’s part of the excitement.