Ask Isadora: Weekend Surprise

 Weekend Surprise

* My wife and I have been invited to attend a weekend resort with another couple we don’t know too well. We were told there would be other congenial couples there. I have a feeling this couple may be “swingers”. Can I ask them directly?

II think you’d better find out more if you are suspicious or  you and your wife may be in for quite a surprise, and depending on your inclinations and sense of adventure, a possibly uncomfortable few days.  You can begin by saying that your wife is quite a shy person or that you are and that you need to know more about the other people present and what the planned activities are.  Is the resort just for couples or adults only?  Is it clothing optional?  Asking these questions might give you a heads up as to what to expect.

*   I am a 59 year old heterosexual male who has always enjoyed a healthy sexual life.  I am not repressed nor have I experienced any functional problems sexually.  But it is my observation that when I drink beer or alcohol I experience a heightened sexual desire especially during the days following the drinking.  During times when I don’t drink for several weeks or months my libido is noticeably tamer to the extent that my sexual activity with my wife declines by about 50%.  I have no other issues sexually but want to know if you think there is any physical or chemical validity to this.  I only started to notice this change in the past couple of years.

I don’t think there are any chemical properties in alcohol that would actually increase desire, but I may be missing some new information.(Any readers who know otherwise will be sure to let me know, I’m sure.)  Alcohol is known to have the effect on many people of increasing desire because it decreases inhibitions.  (It often decreases erection and orgasmic ability also, but that’s something else.) But you state that you are not repressed. Another explanation for what you observed may be that drinking alcohol may be associated in your life with celebration or relaxation.  Both these states are also associated with increased sexual activity, so this may have something to do with your state of mind and what else is going on in your life.

* A new friend of mine in her early 40’s or so told me that she has never had a sweetheart, not even in school. I don’t think she’s gay and I purposely used the term sweetheart when I asked her to include a person of either sex. She’s an attractive professional woman.  How could a person get to her age in our society without ever having had a dating relationship?  Can I conclude that she’s still a virgin or am I way off base?

You certainly know that a person can have sex without being in love.  A lot of the puzzle hinges on your friend’s interpretation of the word sweetheart.  She may have dated, had sex, etc. but never been in love.  She may have had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, but only briefly or not considered that person sweetheart material.  Some people manage to resist our society’s pressure to couple because they prefer the uncoupled  life.  Some people are asexual, with no discernible sexual drive toward men or women.  Others may have wanted to couple but due to shyness or lack of opportunity never found a suitable partner. You’ll have to know this woman better and get more of her history to satisfy your curiosity.