Doctor:  Are you sexually active?

Patient: No, I usually just lie there.

The old joke is funny unless it describes your own partner, particularly your longtime partner. Always being the one to initiate sexual activity gets old very soon. Always asking and never being asked creates the feeling of being unloved no matter how responsive the partner is to the invitation you make.

When this issue came up in couples’ therapy the habitually passive partner’s usual defense was some version of “But I don’t like being refused!  Who does?

It’s more common for the male in a heterosexual couple to be the aggressor, possibly because of his usually higher libido, but this isn’t always so.  There are men with low libidos and women with higher ones.  Sometimes they couple with each other.  Also, there are same sex couples whose libidos are often not a match.  And that’s what it is – an unequal desire for sex, an unequal libido and/or an unequal willingness to take the risk of initiating. What’s to be done?

If you are the constant initiator it’s time to tell it like it is to your partner without complaining.  Something like: “I initiate sex between us most or all of the time.  I would like you to do it some of the time.  What would be easiest for you? Saying that you’re interested or showing me by some means we both understand like taking a bath before bed or offering a massage.  Would you do that for me?”

Be prepared to hear some reasons why she or he can’t or why it’s particularly difficult. They may not all be excuses for acting out of their comfort zone. Be aware that some people respond to arousal but don’t feel it themselves spontaneously unless stimulated in some way.  If that’s the case with your partner ask him or her to pay you more compliments or tell you you’re loved more often or in some way you can think of make sure you feel loved and desirable.

If you are the customarily passive partner are you willing to make a few changes for the sake of your relationship?  If your partner has never brought the issue up don’t assume it hasn’t been noticed or that your partner likes things the way they are. Ask, or better yet, give yourself a good talking to and make the unambiguous move in a way you both can appreciate – offer a kiss more passionate than usual, allow your touch to be more sensual, make an invitation to share a bath, shower or massage.

You can be sure your partner will say something about your unusual behavior afterward.  Talk about it.  Did she or he like it?  Did it feel uncomfortable for either of you?  Is it worth doing again?