Winter holidays present opportunities for families to finally gather after more than a year of most sensible people avoiding them.  Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or Christmas, Kwanza, New Year’s Eve may mean seeing family who have been missed for many months.  Holidays also may mean familiar frictions in both senses of the word.

Do your parents not like your partner?  Do your uncle’s politics make you grit your teeth?  Is there nothing to eat at the table since you became a vegan.  Let’s see if I can suggest some responses for those difficulties that might otherwise spoil your gatherings for you.

Introducing an outsider. Let’s say someone in your inner circle doesn’t like your partner.  They are rude to him/her or ignore them in family discussions.  If this has happened before or they haven’t yet met but your family is already prejudiced against them put your family on notice.  “I ask you to make my partner/friend/spouse welcome in the way I know you can if you try. I’m very much looking forward to seeing you all but I won’t enjoy the holidays if you make it difficult for my friend.  Please make an effort to include him and make him feel welcome.”

Politics. This is often an issue when people get together these days.  My daughter wears a mask with “No politics” on it.  People usually comment…and then begin to make some assumptions about her political views or statements about their own! I suggest a pre-meal announcement. “We are sure to have differing positions about the current state of world affairs, the president, or the economy.  Let’s agree not to spoil everyone’s digestion by airing them at the table. Let’s just catch up and be happy to be together”  If the table conversations or the living room talk become rancorous either remind all about what you agreed upon or simply excuse yourself to wash your hands…and take as long a time as you wish.

Food. There is often too much or not enough of the right kind at someone else’s table. You might prepare your host ahead of time that you don’t eat meat, for instance, or you can simply without fuss eat what you are able to and fill up on dessert.  Holiday meals with relatives and friends are really about far more than the food.

Intrusive questions.  Whatever your circumstances you can’t win here.  If you’re unattached someone will ask if and who you are dating.  If you are coupled you will be asked about when’s the wedding and if you are married you will be asked about family plans. A smile and a “You’ll be the first to know” might take care of it.

If relatives feel free to comment on your weight, your hair cut, your work, or your lifestyle grin and bear it.  Don’t bother to be defensive.  Smile and thank the rude relative for his or her input and change the subject to questions about their work, haircut or lifestyle.

Remember this is an occasion to enjoy what and who are enjoyable and shrug off the rest. What would a family gathering be without some of life’s small annoyances? Whatever or whenever your next family get-together may I wish you a Happy Holiday.