I enjoy the various Australian made series shown on public TV such as “The Dr. Blake Mysteries” and “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries”.  In one I watched last night a housekeeper leaves her employment summarily because she inadvertently walks in on the “young master”, his fiancée, and the daughter of the stable hand in a 3-way bedroom romp.  “No decent woman could stay under this roof” she huffs, “after such a discovery”. (I was left wondering whether her outrage was caused by the sexual behavior or the breach of class distinctions.)

A Huffington Post or AOL “news” feed recently contained an interview with a young model/actress/whatever talking about her experience with a sexual threesome. “It was awful”, she pronounced.  “Don’t ever do it.”

Because some unknown twenty something had a bad experience (no details given) you are to take that as a Truth of Life?  Don’t bother.  If the idea appeals, this is something to decide for yourself.

A well-researched 1988 book entitled “Threesomes: Studies in Sex, Power, and Intimacy” by Arno Karlen might have added a few more nouns – fun, adventure, risk taking, jealousy, and perhaps human geometry. Many interviews with participants are included detailing thoughts and feelings about each such event. As you might imagine, they differ widely.

The success or failure of such an adventure in the eyes of each participant (and who else is to judge?) will depend on so many factors.  If it is an established couple inviting a third it may depend on whether the third was Partner #1’s choice, Partner #2’s choice, or their choice together.  Are the participants old friends or strangers?  What was consumed beforehand – a heavy meal, too much alcohol, recreational drugs?  Were the participants men, women, or a mix of both?  Were any or all heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian or gay?  Did any one of them have a specific agenda and, if so, was it met?

In one case I know  a woman joined in a three-way with two gay men because she was in love with one of them and this was likely to be the only way she could be sexual with him.  By the way, being sexual with a person of another orientation than one’s usual partner(s) is a frequent reason for such adventures across all lines. How better to explore safely than to be with a man and a woman, the known and the unknown, whatever one’s orientation?

This essay is not a recommendation for threesomes, but it is not a condemnation either. If any sexual behavior is a personal decision this certainly is. Any sexual act with any other person or persons needs to be entered into consciously and, better yet, after good clear communication – with yourself and any  others involved. “I’m nervous; I don’t know how I will feel seeing you with someone else” for instance.  And you won’t know until afterward, which is why the expression of wants and fears is equally  important after any sexual event as before.

Be prepared to feel your feelings, express your expectations, and clearly state your boundaries to yourself and your partner(s).  If one behavior sounds okay but that one is too scary say so beforehand.  If what you felt instead of the expected jealousy was compersion (see The Opposite of Jealousy https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sociability/201608/the-opposite-jealousy)  share that as well.  You can not predecide before any new sexual act or experience how you are going to feel about it.  You can assume you will feel one way not another, would prefer X to happen rather than Y, but the only thing you can predict for sure is that you are going to be surprised.  Expect that.

Threeways can be eagerly planned for or can happen spontaneously.  If you think there may be one in your future or that of you and your partner, best to have a discussion about all the ”what ifs” you can imagine beforehand so that you are ready to seize a likely opportunity.  Should you decide to try it know that whatever you experienced was about that particular time with those particular people and other occasions, should there be any, would likely be greeted with different feelings.

The only thing to be said about threesomes that’s certain is that if you decide to participate expect the unexpected….and hope that what surprises you encounter are pleasant ones.