Ask Isadora: Reconnecting


*My 48 year old husband is kind and good looking  and I am afraid to have sex with him. For 4 years my husband was not interested in having sex with me and told me so.  He said I was fat and absolutely did not find me attractive in the remotest sense so no sex for another 4 years (Not that I really wanted any anyhow).  Now I have lost the weight and have kept it off for over a year and a half, and he is interested in me again.  I am afraid after no sex for 8 years it will hurt.  I cannot forgive my husband for not wanting to have sex with me while I was in therapy or when I was fat.  I really have no drive to have sex at all.  Do you have ANY suggestions?  I want to make him happy and want to keep him at home (he is a homebody) and has not strayed yet.  I do not think he will with all the stuff that you can catch out there.

Run, do not walk, to a couples’ therapist who has knowledge of sex therapy.  The two of you need to do some work so you can get together again as a happier  sexually active  husband and wife. If he is “kind” he will agree to go and may well be motivated when he thinks about what might be in it for him.

* My daughter and her husband are going through a nasty divorce.  I love them both and hate to see them so unhappy.  I worry about my grandchild with all those negative emotions.  Can you suggest anything that might help?  He is unwilling to see a mediator or receive any sort of counseling to make the process easier on them all.

I suggest a new book, Divorcing Peacefully by Larry Stone (  Even if only one of them reads it he or she can effect positive changes in their relationship with their child and with each other.

*You recently wrote about vibrator use by men.  My wife uses a vibrator but I have never tried it on myself.  I’m concerned that once she becomes accustomed to a vibrator she will have no sexual interest in me.  Does that happen often, do you know?

In the same Indiana University study I quoted last time 71% of women using vibrators reported never having experienced any side effects.  Those that were reported were rare and usually  short lived.  I’d call being turned off your regular partner and replacing him with a mechanical device would be a very nasty side effect, wouldn’t you?  Vibrators may produce more reliable orgasms since no partner can provide such intense stimulation, but since no vibrator can kiss, hug, or engage in pillow talk, you’re safe.

* I am recently divorced and have no idea where to meet men.  What do other women who are not young do?

Several things. One, let your friends, family, and acquaintances know you are open to dating and the kind of man you would like to meet. They might be able to make an introduction. Two, start going places that both interest you and might have men in attendance such as a political discussion group or lecture.  Three, take a class in something new to you, perhaps in an adult education setting. Lastly, reach out to people, start conversations, be friendly. The worlds is full of men.  If you are busy and active and seem like a warm and friendly person, you will meet them.