Ask Isadora: Dangerous Chatting

Dangerous Chatting

* I met my boyfriend of several months in an online chat room.  We have a great relationship except that he still goes to chat rooms.  I don’t know who he talks to but since he met me there he can meet other women.  Can I ask him to stop going to online chat rooms?

You can ask him anything you want but don’t be surprised if he feels you are being controlling.  Insecurity in a relatively new relationship is all too common, but it is not a very attractive quality.  See if you can find out more about his feelings for you, whether he wants an exclusive relationship, what exactly he sees as cheating, and what his reasons for using chat rooms are. Having a conversation about such topics will go far in helping you to understand and evaluate the relationship you have and whether you and your boyfriend are on the same page.  Such conversation is much more productive than trying to forbid him to do something he wants to do.

* I have a friend who talks trash about one night stands or casual sex.  He says sex is about intimacy and people who are strangers to each other can’t possibly be intimate. I disagree. What do you have to say about this?

I think the definition of what good sex is can be extremely personal as can the definition of what intimacy consists of.  Some  women and men have long lists of what is required for good sex such as love, comfort, familiarity, warm feelings of friendship, mutual respect, etc. while others just say there has to be chemistry and that overrules all else.  Intimacy for some can only come from a long history of personal disclosure and trust, while for others it is an intuitive feeling that is possible very quickly.  Obviously you and your friend have different standards for each and I am not going to call either wrong if yours work for you and his work for him.

* Where can I go to get answers to some of the questions my kid asks about sexual matters?

I host a free interactive online Sexuality Forum at  On it is a long list of resources that should cover anything your kids, or anyone else, can come up with.

* For various medical reasons I am unable to take any of the popular erectile dysfunction drugs I see marketed everywhere.  Is there anything else available?

There are many millions of advertising dollars behind Viagra, Levitra and Cialis and not a great many, if any, behind the several other methods in use for much longer.  Space does not allow me to go into detail on any of these but an online search for erectile aids will give you much more information. There are other prescription medications that can be taken orally or as suppositories.  There are nonprescription herbal preparations that work for some.  There are stand alone surgical implants and those that work in conjunction with a manual pump.  There are restrictive ring systems  that can be custom fitted to your needs and ring systems that work along with vacuum pumps.  Each of these has its benefits and drawbacks.  In order to evaluate what would work best for you a consultation with a urologist who values the importance of reliable sexual functioning is the best thing possible.  Like finding the right method, finding the right medical adviser who can inspire your trust and confidence might be a trial and error process.  Ask other doctors for a referral and keep looking until you find one.