Ask Isadora : Taking Charge of Life

Taking Charge of Life

*  I am a single mom in my late 40’s and I haven’t had a love life in almost 10 years! Am I normal?

Whether it’s normal or not for you or for anyone else is not the issue.  You are a grown up and presumably in charge of your own life.  If there’s something in it you are not happy with, the correct question to ask yourself is “what can I do to change this?” If you are missing warmth, friendship, sex and/or love in your life begin to reach out to new people.  Ask friends who are happily coupled for suggestions on where and how they met their mate and places and methods you might do the same.  Then start with whichever method seems doable to you.  It is never necessary to remain lonely.

* I am a 29 year old man from a large close family.  I am getting lots of pressure from everyone to get married and join the family business.  It’s what the eldest son does.  The thing is I am gay.  If I told my family that if I ever marry it would be to a man it would break their hearts.  I might even be shunned.  What do I do?

I can understand your reasons for not coming out to your family but I have to tell you that in my 30 years of counseling I have never met a happy person who was hiding a big secret from those closest to them. You can continue to put off any questions of marrying by saying you have not met the right one.  You can join or not join the family business on its own merits but you may want to live a life somewhat apart from all the family pressures on how you’re supposed to be.  Also, I strongly suggest a support network of other gay men who have dealt successfully with this issue.  If you don’t know where to start, look up the closest3 chapter of PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians.

* My husband uses the F word at me when we argue.  How can I get him to treat me with respect?

Now that’s a much bigger question that just asking him to clean up his language. Tell him clearly that you will not stand for —–(whatever it is that feels disrespectful) and that you will leave the room when it happens.  Then do it.  Set very specific limits and then follow through without further discussion.  Standing firm when you say something is the first step in earning respect.

*  I am a BBW (big beautiful woman) and my new guy is really husky.  All my other boyfriends have been average-size guys. We haven’t had sex yet and I want it to be good. Can you tell me if there are any sexual positions for two people with big bellies?

Everyone wants sex to be good.  Who would want the opposite?  Good sex doesn’t usually happen by accident, especially the first time.  Two people have to learn how to “dance together”, how to lead and how to follow, and the most graceful positions for them.  In general, rear entry with the woman on her knees and the man kneeling or standing behind her as she leans over the bed is comfortable for most big people.  Don’t be afraid to experiment to find out what feels comfortable.  This does not have to be a big discussion.  Just move your body into a position you might like and see what happens.