Ask Isadora : Who’s A Virgin?

 Who’s A Virgin?

*  I was wondering if you had sex two times when it didn’t go all the way in but there was bleeding, are you a virgin?

The bleeding was probably the tearing of your hymen, so technically you are not a virgin.  However, if you did not have actual penis in vagina penetration you can consider yourself still a virgin if that’s important to you.  What certainly IS important is that you can get pregnant with such close calls so use protection when you have sex of any kind that involves a penis near a fertile female.

* My husband  is attractive and in good shape.  I suggested role play, sex in the car, etc. to get him going sexually  but he does not want  try anything that I have thought up or  to go to a sex therapist . Of course when we were young it was good but we did not have it too often after we were married.  We have no children so that is not the problem.

If his sexual disinterest  is fairly recent a thorough check up with his doctor would be a good idea.  He may have a medical problem he is unaware of or would rather not share with you.  In any case, decide what you would be willing to do to force his hand – go to a marriage therapist on your own? Leave? Look for sex elsewhere?  Be very clear what you require of him and what will happen if he doesn’t do something to make some changes.

* Do you have any advice on how to communicate with my spouse about sex in a constructive, open way? The main issues are my desire for less sexual fantasy (involving multiple partners, which does not appeal to me but I go along with it to make him happy), and his desire for me to fondle him for a great length of time in the beginning (which I get bored and tired of, but again, go along with to make him happy). Any ideas?

Make an appointment for a talk where and when you won’t be interrupted.  Start by saying “I think our sex life could be much better than it is, don’t you?  I have some suggestions and I’m sure you do too.  Let’s discuss this.” Then make some positive recommendations or put yours in a way that is about what you might want more of rather than what is not working. By the way, as men age many often require both more fantasy play and more active physical stimulation.

*Would you think there is something unusual about a good looking male  living out his life until death without ever having girlfriends?   I am about to turn fifty. I remember since my earliest social situations  I always found every attractive woman I have ever met, is either married or has a boyfriend.  Also mention worthy, I think a prince like me  is way too cool for that really stupid, awkward face to face at the café dating crap. I could never get a woman to believe that I am a virgin or never really had girlfriends.  I would also mention that I dislike porn, and would very likely have a low opinion about guys who are into it.  I am also very sensitive, and sometimes get really obsessed with masturbation. What do you think?

I think you need to hustle your way cool self to a competent therapist’s office for a good dose of reality, a few lessons in social skills, and perhaps a referral to a sexual surrogate.