Ask Isadora : What’s the Difference?

What’s the Difference?

* Do you believe in that “men and women are from different planets” stuff?  Are the sexes all that different?

No.  There are far more ways in which we are similar than there are differences.  But there are some things that do tend to separate men and women sexually and these differences have to be accounted for to make heterosexual relationships work.  For instance, men often (not always) see sex as recreation or simple body pleasure and women (often) see sex as part of a relationship.  The aim for many men in sex is sexual release while for many women it is emotional intimacy. That is, men tend to sexualize desire and women tend to romanticize it. 

* My girlfriend  has had a lot of sexual experience and I haven’t.  She has told me that I don’t satisfy her and that I need to learn more about how to make love, but she won’t tell me what to do different or how to satisfy her. Can you give me any advice?

My advice would be to tell her to drop the mind games, learn to communicate clearly and directly, or get lost.  However, she’s your girlfriend, so we’ll put it a bit more nicely. Tell her you would be amenable to specific suggestions but unless she makes them nothing is going to change and you both will remain unhappy.  In the meantime, buy or rent some instructional videos (NOT commercial porn) such as those at or Sinclair Institutes Better Sex videos. There are things to know about men and women’s bodies and how to give and take pleasure in general, but each of us inhabits a very specific body and it’s up to us to let our lover know how best to give it pleasure.

*Is there such a thing as being too old for sex?

If you’re still alive you are not too old.  The definition of what sex is, however, has to include a lot more than penetration by a hard penis. Many people give up on sex because bodies age and they don’t know how to make  accommodations to that fact.  We all have many body parts that can give and receive pleasure and we all need to be creative. Nothing is like it used to be, but many things – including sex- can be even better! For inspiration, see the recent German made film Cloud 9 which shows two people over 65  having joyous and exuberant sex.

*My new partner’s penis is quite large in length and width and I feel him in a different place inside that I ever have with previous partners.  I can’t tell if that different feeling is good or bad but I associate it with a need to pee.  I always empty my bladder before sex so what’s going on?  Could he be hitting something that causes that feeling?

Indeed he could be hitting your G Spot. Simply put, there is an area of particular sensitivity in most women about 2” inside the vagina toward the front that swells during arousal.  If that area is specifically stimulated (most often by hand with a “come here” finger motion) it can create the sensation you describe, an urgent need to pee.  Many women clench down on their muscles to avoid embarrassment and so deprive themselves of a powerful orgasm, often accompanied by the expulsion of a clear fluid whose chemical makeup is much like semen without sperm.  I urge you and your new guy to do some experimenting.  Just keep a towel handy and let go.