Ask Isadora : In Plain Words

 In Plain Words

* Every few weeks when my husband is in the mood for sex he slaps me on the bottom and says “How’s about it?” I don’t have to tell you that most women would not consider this a romantic overture.  In fact, while I like sex as much as he does, it puts me right out of the mood. How can I let him know that this is just not the way to ask me?

In plain words:  “Honey, when you kiss my neck or invite me to come cuddle with you I get that you’re interested in having sex and that works for me,  When you let me know by hitting me on the bottom it turns me off.  That’s not the effect you’re aiming for, is it?” Since none of us come to a marriage with a User’s Manual, we each have to be in charge of constantly letting our partner know what keeps us happy. While you’re having this discussion, you might ask your husband how he would like you to let him know when you’re in the mood.  I have heard men complain that a women’s signals of interest are often just too subtle.  If she indicates her interest and he doesn’t get it, both are going to be disappointed and a great opportunity is lost.  Talk to each other!

* What to do? I have a problem getting an erection and it causes me anxiety. Even with the popular pills I still have a problem. What do I do in a new relationship at the beginning? Do I inform the gal before any passion creeps in, about my problem? Or, do I go forward and assuming I fail our first time and then tell her?

Are you talking about performance anxiety or a physical erection disorder?  In one case teaching you how to talk to yourself into reducing anxiety rather than aggravating it, would be invaluable.  If it makes you feel less anxious to tell the woman that you are often too nervous to get a full erection the first time, sure, go ahead and do so. Women have performance worries too and it often feels better to share these with each other.  Also, there are many other physical erection aids available that are not the popular pill.  Please talk to a urologist and/or a sex therapist. If there is not a medical cause, plain old getting to feel comfortable with each other is a great fix-it,

 * I am a 68 year old widower who will be dating women for the first time after many years.  A younger buddy of mine tells me that most women will expect oral sex, something I have never done before.  Is this true?  Do all women require this or just younger women?

 These days oral sex is a far more common variation of sexual play for men and women than it used to be. Women of your generation are not as accustomed to this, in general.  Still, this is a very individual matter. It certainly is a good thing to have in your repertoire, particularly for older adults who may have challenges with erections and lubrication. When sex seems likely perhaps it will be less stressful for you to talk about sexual expectations, letting the woman know your long monogamous  history. This will make conversation about all sexual matters, expectations, preferences and requirements a bit easier.  Since using a condom will probably be a new experience for you as well don’t forget to include a discussion about disease prevention.