* My lover and I have been on and off for years. We argue, we make up, we break up, we miss each other, we get back together, and repeat it all again. Is there any way to know for sure when the relationship is finally over?

Well, the signs are certainly not as well defined as, say, the symptoms of measles. Many people have given up on a promising relationship far too soon while others continue to beat a horse that’s not only dead but already turned to dust. Having or not having a relationship is still a matter of choice for most, and any one of the people in that relationship can decide unilaterally that it’s over and leave. I write for an online website, TBD.com, where I recently did a piece on some signs your relationship might be over. I reprint some of them here along with the added comments of several contributors to the discussion: * You no longer have anything to talk about * You have little interest in what the other is thinking or doing and little interest in sharing your own thoughts or doings * You keep on having the same arguments with no resolution *You no longer have the energy or interest to argue * You enjoy the company of someone (and sometimes anyone) else more than your partner * You have increasing fantasies of what life would be like on your own. * You lose interest in sex with him or her . * You don’t miss him/her when s/he’s gone . *You strip talking about or planning for the future . *Your marriage counselor tell you there is nothing more she can do . * You don’t know one another’s schedules anymore . * If you live together you find increasing excuses not to come home. Work is a good one. . * You’re an atheist but you find yourself praying that when he goes out the door in the morning he’ll get hit by a bus since burying him would be so much simpler than the whole divorce thing

* Why is change so damn difficult? Sometimes we know that something has got to change but we can’t get ourself to get going with it?

I will share with you a recent letter from another reader on that subject: I have to say you and I are on the same wavelength. You’ve printed a couple of my letters and your responses to me were very positive and encouraging. Here’s why: you and I both believe in “Change your thoughts, Change your behavior.” I grew up incredible shame-based. I couldn’t stand being around new people or in new situations. After much reading and introspection I concluded “Love can only come from inside of me so that’s where I need to look.” And look I did. Years of often incredibly painful insight into myself, releasing old beliefs, adopting empowering ones, etc. At last the grass is getting greener, the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter. I’m pretty damn proud of myself. I put in he effort. I didn’t look for it in a pill or other quick fix. Here are some thoughts for your readers: You are 100% responsible for the life you create for yourself. You are not a victim. Everything you want and need is already inside of you. You simply need to reveal it. Invest in yourself first; your job, relationships, stocks, etc. second. Be your true self. Your path is YOUR path, don’t apologize for it. A truthful life is lived from the inside out, not vice versa. Forgive yourself and others and start the process now.