Same Old Thing

* My wife and have been together for 15 years. The entire time of our relationship we have had sex in the missionary position only. She will not try any other position. What can I do to get her to try a new position? I’ve tried asking, but to no avail. Any advice would be helpful.

Have you asked her what her specific objections are to other positions? Does she see them as undignified, immoral, unflattering? Armed with knowledge you may be able to educate her with a good marriage manual or barter her into trying something new – “If you will try this, I will try something you suggest.” Sometime, but unfortunately not always, all you have to do is speak up and say directly what you want.

*  Is it always a bad idea to have sex with an ex?

I’m sure there are occasions where it turned out happily.  Whether yours is one of them can not be known until after the fact.

* My new boyfriend recently commented “You don’t make much noise, do you?”  He was talking about our intimate moments in bed.  I’m never at a loss for conversation at other times.  Is he suggesting that I’m supposed  to make noise?  Am I supposed to?

There really isn’t any One Right Way about sexual behavior.  The two people involved make it up as they go along, with the only objective being the exchange of mutual pleasure.  What makes so many long term relationships go stale is that a couple finds something or things that “work” and  that’s what they stick to, over and over again.  The best way to find out if your boyfriend wants something else from you than what you are providing is to ask.  “You mentioned last time that I don’t make much noise.  Would you like me to?  Is that what you’re suggesting?”  Then you will know and then you can decide if it is something you would like to try to incorporate.

*Does having “junk in the trunk” mean something sexual?

It’s slang that comes from the African American community that means having a hefty hind quarters, and to some folks that does mean something sexual.

* As I read in a column by you, Isadora, not to be missed:  “Some people hit the jackpot in their marriages – love, trust, respect, companionship, laughter, passion – but how many relationships really fit that bill?” My wife and I share all the qualities to some degree on the above list, alas, but the last: passion.  Our partnership seems more like that of siblings since the physical intimacy is so rare. It’s a shame, really, since we are good partners for one another, and we’ve known one another since high school. There’s no interest in physical intimacy on her part. Life can be full of joy, but I sometimes find myself lonely in my marriage. Having just retired, I feel these stirrings very strongly. My question:  Is it cheating for two people who find one another attractive to enjoy one another’s intimate company outside of marriage?  To me it seems that I would be cheating myself to not experience the intimacy of a significant other, a kindred spirit.  I have no intention of leaving my marriage at this stage in my life, yet don’t want to cheat myself out of passion and human intimacy, fulfilling needs not met at home. Sometimes it’s necessary to take risks and to face challenges to experience passion, to explore human intimacy, to truly feel alive.

You seem to have answered your own question in this all-too-common  and deeply personal ethical dilemma.