* It feels to me that my husband and I are missing many occasions for sex because, even after 18 years of marriage, we don’t seem to let the other know clearly enough when we’re interested. I don’t know what to do about this.

Sit down together. Ask him if it’s his sense as well that you’re misreading or not reading one another’s signals on this subject. Give him some examples. “Last night when we were watching TV and I said ‘I’m tired and I’m going up to bed’ I was hoping that you would come upstairs and join me. I guess I should have added that last part aloud. In the future I will.” Ask him to give you an example of an overture he made that you missed and decide how to do it differently in the future. One of the problems in long married couples is that if one of the two isn’t in the mood it’s often easier to ignore a vague invitation than to outright refuse. So while you two are having this discussion talk about how to do just that. “How would it be if you say something like “I’m sorry, Honey, but I’m just not feeling very sexy at the moment. Perhaps in the morning? Would that be okay or would you feel crushed?” Talk about this until you are sure the two of you are in agreement about asking, accepting and refusing. If this conversation goes well, you may never have to have it again and you have the added benefit of having added more sex in your life.

* Last weekend I went on a first date with someone I met online. I had high hopes but she wasn’t anything like I expected her to be and I couldn’t hide my disappointment. I couldn’t wait for the evening to end and she called me on it. She said ”I can see you’re not having a good time so I‘m putting you out of your misery.” She got up from the restaurant table and left me sitting there. What can I do so this doesn’t happen again?

For one, you can do a better job of hiding your disappointment. Your own rudeness in letting it show does not cancel out hers, but I must say, I think she handled a bad situation better than you did.

* In a recent column you wrote that it’s impossible to change people’s actions. What a depressing outlook! Where does that leave us in terms of solving problems like global warming and poverty in Africa? Or would you rather ignore those kind of issues and just talk about sex? I believe that when people get information and inspiration they will change the way they act. This includes using birth control, which helps solve global warming and poverty in Africa.

First of all, I was speaking quite locally (as in one person to an intimate other) as opposed to globally about getting another adult to make changes in his or her behavior. Would I rather ignore global warming and poverty in Africa and write about sex? Yes, indeed. Not only that, my editors and readers would rather I did that too. I am sexologist, not a political pundit. This is what I do. If you think relationship satisfaction is too unimportant a topic to hold your attention, put down this page and pick up the front section of the New York Times. And, as far as the point I was making, when it comes to getting another person to change behavior, one can educate, illustrate, agitate, beg, bully or horse trade, it still comes down to the other individual’s choice. Most people do not make the choice to change behavior readily.