Watching a recent series on Netflix called “Love Is Blind” wherein couples fall in love after a series of conversations behind a wall, never having seen each other until they become engaged, it’s very evident to see couples ignoring major warning signs, such as a great difference in income, religion, or desires for the future. There seems to be a pervasive belief that love will conquer all until smacked in the face with lifestyle differences, such as messy vs. compulsively neat or conservative vs. risk taking. Many couples seem baffled by encountering such differences—problem solving being a skill none have obviously yet learned.

Andre suggests as means of preventing them:

Making a conscious effort to love someone in ways that make them feel loved

Love languages seem to have been incorporated into the ideas of many who study relationships.  This is the concept that some show love through giving gifts while others feel loved by having displays of attentiveness and sought-after togetherness. If a couple’s “languages” differ, each partner may feel unloved although the other is trying mightily, but in their own style.

Putting purposeful effort into the relationship

After the first rush of falling in love, most people settle into a comfortable pattern until they become aware that something is not working or their partner expresses discontent. Don’t settle into comfort for too long without making a constant appraisal of what is needed to keep it fresh and alive.

Prioritizing your significant other

Taking the relationship or the partner for granted is the kiss of death. Think of your partner and his/her needs at all times. “What do they need, what would please them, how to make them happy” must be on the mind of older couples, not just new ones.

Protecting your relationship

Yes, sometimes life gets in the way.  Work gets crazy, issues arise with a family of origin or old friendships. Even health issues can take priority.  However if you love your partner, his or her needs and the needs of the couple must always be kept in mind—needs such as privacy or some time spent together.  If your partnership is important to you, it must be given importance no matter what else is going on.

So, whether you are in the first dizzy whirl of falling or being in love or whether you can remember when you were, hold onto that feeling of putting your new partner first in your thoughts and the delight of being a new couple and preserve it.  Act always as if this is a new and exciting coupling so that there will be no nasty surprises in the future. Preserve what comes naturally in a new relationship for its duration.

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If ever there were proof of “getting in one’s own way,” it is the false beliefs about relationships, love and sexuality that many of us harbor.—starting from the ubiquitous “I can’t meet someone special”, through the confusion of sexual orientation to romantic beliefs about love and sexual activity.  Here are a few helpful suggestions about navigating these popular misapprehensions.

Myth 1:  Finding a partner Is a matter of chance.

Most people do not meet in bars.  Most people connect with someone they see often and get to know over time—the kid next door, someone in the same class, or someone with whom they engage often at work or socially. Yes, some people do “see someone across a crowded room” and there is instant attraction, but when and if that happens, that person must be asssertive enough to act on that attraction and engage that person to see if anything develops over time.

Part of the mythology of finding a partner is that there is only a certain kind of person to whom one should be attracted. Go with your gut, I say.  If there is an attraction, explore it!

Myth 2: A person is either straight or gay.

Currently bisexuality or “gender queer” is accepted in many places, such as college campuses; but not in most. The idea that there are only two sides to the scale with no in-between, boy or girl, pink or blue, is very much the majority view. Some people change during their life, make a choice to present as male or female, or surprise themselves by becoming attracted to one of the sex they never before have. For some, male or female, straight or gay is a fluid situation, and we must honor who and how a person self-identifies.

Myth 3: Love conquers all.

I’m sorry to say It doesn’t.  It does in the movies, but in real life love is not a panacea for major differences in the couple’s needs, wants, relationship skills, and more. Love fades if there are months of squabbles between the two, if one wants marriage or children and the other doesn’t, if economic issues grind them down. What if they love each other dearly but one’s “big break” comes calling that takes him or her in another direction?  What if one in a hetero couple discovers his or her pull toward the same sex? So there are some situations love just does not win; the partners part, still loving one another but not together.

Myth 4 :  Some day my prince will come and so will I.

The truth is that many women have difficulty achieving orgasm, while it comes easily and naturally to most men. So if it happens for him and it doesn’t for her, each may blame the other. If they are new to sex they may think there is something wrong with her. If either believes a man is “supposed to know about sex,” there will be guilt and disappointment and she may be left with the idea that’ some new lover will know how to press the right button.

It is the responsibility of everyone to learn about their own body and what feels good.  Some touches feel great but won’t produce an orgasm.  Some sexual engagements just don’t, and that needs to be okay with both. Sex is about enjoying one’s own and another’s body with no goal in mind—no more, no less.

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We are all human beings who want the same thing—to be acknowledged for the person we are and to be loved. That’s not so strange. One of the two people might want love first in order to have sex and the other might want sex first in order to fall in love. One of the two might like roller skating and seafood, the other art galleries and meat.

The point is that any two people looking to form a relationship will have differences of personality not due to his or her gender. Do not look at those of the opposite sex as your adversary.

Myth II. There is one right way to begin a relationship.

No longer does he have to do the asking out nor does she need to wait to be asked.  Same sex couples don’t have this issue. Neither should male/female couples. The person who does the inviting pays for the date or arranges one where no payment is necessary.

Myth III. There is one right way to have a relationship.

Some important relationships are sexual; some aren’t. Some are romantic friendships, some are sexual friendships, some are just friendships, and some are friendships for quite some time before blossoming into love. As long as what it is and where it’s going is agreeable to both parties, no one else gets to vote on it. “First comes love, then comes marriage; then comes the couple with a baby carriage” is no longer a required relationship map.

Myth IV. There is one right way a sexual interaction must go.

No matter what an older sibling might have told you or what erotica you have looked at, there is no formula. Yes, some women like lots of foreplay, but many don’t. Some men require lots of foreplay. For some, talking and getting close psychologically is the greatest foreplay in the world. For others, they want plenty of physical warming up with favorite spots stimulated in specific ways. How are you to know? Of course, you can’t, so you can either do what you like to do and ask your partner, “Is this okay?” or you ask them what they like before you go ahead. Somehow or other, verbally or with body language, one partner communicates his or her preferences.

Myth V. There is one way you must be to merit love and sex.

There is always a commercial ideal: slender, busty, bearded, smooth-faced. You either fit the mold or not. Even when curvy women are all the rage, there will be lovers of women who prefer some other shape. There will always be those who prefer who you are (quiet, athletic, studious, outgoing) and what you look like. Wear your own skin proudly, and look for those to whom you are attracted. Eventually you will find a fit.

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Patient: No, I usually just lie there.

The old joke is funny unless it describes your own partner, particularly your longtime partner. Always being the one to initiate sexual activity gets old very soon. Always asking and never being asked creates the feeling of being unloved no matter how responsive the partner is to the invitation you make.

When this issue came up in couples’ therapy the habitually passive partner’s usual defense was some version of “But I don’t like being refused!  Who does?

It’s more common for the male in a heterosexual couple to be the aggressor, possibly because of his usually higher libido, but this isn’t always so.  There are men with low libidos and women with higher ones.  Sometimes they couple with each other.  Also, there are same sex couples whose libidos are often not a match.  And that’s what it is – an unequal desire for sex, an unequal libido and/or an unequal willingness to take the risk of initiating. What’s to be done?

If you are the constant initiator it’s time to tell it like it is to your partner without complaining.  Something like: “I initiate sex between us most or all of the time.  I would like you to do it some of the time.  What would be easiest for you? Saying that you’re interested or showing me by some means we both understand like taking a bath before bed or offering a massage.  Would you do that for me?”

Be prepared to hear some reasons why she or he can’t or why it’s particularly difficult. They may not all be excuses for acting out of their comfort zone. Be aware that some people respond to arousal but don’t feel it themselves spontaneously unless stimulated in some way.  If that’s the case with your partner ask him or her to pay you more compliments or tell you you’re loved more often or in some way you can think of make sure you feel loved and desirable.

If you are the customarily passive partner are you willing to make a few changes for the sake of your relationship?  If your partner has never brought the issue up don’t assume it hasn’t been noticed or that your partner likes things the way they are. Ask, or better yet, give yourself a good talking to and make the unambiguous move in a way you both can appreciate – offer a kiss more passionate than usual, allow your touch to be more sensual, make an invitation to share a bath, shower or massage.

You can be sure your partner will say something about your unusual behavior afterward.  Talk about it.  Did she or he like it?  Did it feel uncomfortable for either of you?  Is it worth doing again?

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From the work of Virginia Satir, a communication pioneer (1916 – 1988). I have also added some explanatory words for clients of mine over the years.

       Guidelines for a Healthy Person and a Healthy Relationship

 Feel your feelings. Feel what you do feel instead of what you think you ought to be feeling.  Acknowledge the present and tune into your body not your thoughts about what you’re supposed to be feeling.

 Focus on now. See and hear what is here now instead of what should be, what was, or what will be.  In the words of New Age sage Ram Dass (1931-2019) “be here now.” Do not worry about the past or the future but live in the present, focus on the moment.

Speak up. Say what you do feel and think instead of what you imagine is expected of you. Be true to yourself.

Ask for what you want clearly and directly instead of hoping it will be offered. Be proactive.  Go after your desires.

Take risks in your own behalf instead of settling for the status quo. Be master of your own life.

Be able to say no firmly, kindly and unmistakably without guilt.  This is one of the most important time-saving skills a person can learn.  Practice until you can do it with grace.

If any of these strike you as something that would be particularly helpful for you in life and in your relationships memorize it.  Write it on a Post-it and stick it on your mirror or on a piece of paper and have it on your car seat.  You want to use it as a guide to improving your life so do so.  Memorize it.  Allow it to shape how you go through life more easily and productively.  Go in grace.

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If you are the partner of a woman who just doesn’t seem to be getting there no matter what you are trying, encourage her.  Try “tell me what you want” or “show me where you want to be touched”.  Being given permission like that might be just what she needs. It’s certainly worth a try.

If she has never had an orgasm with a partner (2) showing her partner exactly how she likes to be touched when she is pleasuring herself by guiding his or her hand is certainly easier for many women than trying to explain. If you are the partner taking her hand and putting it on top of yours is an excellent way of asking for that information.  Remember, actions do speak louder than words, especially during sex.

If she has never had an orgasm (3) or you, her partner, believe that to be true, telling yourself or her to relax, soothing yourself with such instructions or soothing her with sweet talk such as “Don’t try, just relax and enjoy it. This doesn’t have to go anywhere.  I love how smooth your skin (or your partner’s) is.”  Giving yourself or her permission not to have an orgasm, to simply relax and enjoy what’s happening, is a wonderful way to take the pressure off the occasion for both people or possibly eventually surprising yourself.

If this is not about manual touch but oral stimulation, or about preferred positions for intercourse, talking about what she might need to climax or his strong desire that she not fake it is often a great discussion to have before the two are actually sexual together.  This kind of disclosure, discussing sexual preferences in general, not only exchanges valuable information it also serves to build trust. Talking about sex, especially what you personally enjoy and hearing this from your prospective lover, may well serve as exciting foreplay to the event.

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The second most frequently mentioned quality was brown eyes.  Okay.  I’d guess the majority of men in the world have brown eyes so it’s no surprise that 71% of women had good dark-eyed lovers.

But then we get to #3 on the list of almost 5000 women’s fondest memory of their best sex partner: piercings. 70% of the women queried remember their partner’s piercings – nose, nipple and eyebrow.  No one mentioned cock rings that I heard of. So here’s where they lost me and not even half way down the Top Ten.  The ages of the women queried weren’t mentioned but I’m willing to bet my reputation that very few, if any, of these women were sleeping with men over 40. Piercings!

Having broad shoulders was the 4^th most common feature on men said to be best in bed.  Okay, I agree there too. It’s one of the top three attractants of my own This was followed by men with tattoos in 5^th place.  There’s that age gap again. I am a woman of many years with a lovely long history of memories of men who were good in bed.  Not a one had a tattoo anywhere that I could see; not one.

The rest of the Top Ten features of men remembered as best in bed are

#6 Brown hair (59%) again, a predominant hair color worldwide.

#7 Snail trail (58%) I am so out of touch with the younger generation that I’m not even sure what this is!

#8 Small feet (53%) I can’t possibly figure the whys of this one out.

#9 Glasses (51%) Were they one during sex?

#10 High cheekbones (49%) I think these are universally attractive on both women and men.

So, you who are heterosexual women, what do you make of this?  Is any of it true for you in any percentage?  Hetero men, are you happily included in the top ten or unhappily left out?  How much do you suppose these qualities reflect one particularly adept sexual partner or what is considered, or was, what is sexually attractive – which in itself might account for remembering someone as particularly good in bed.

Actually, I don’t know how to tease out anything universally true here except that a great deal of this is generational and possibly national in its particulars.  Interesting though, isn’t it?

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Are there times at home when you just want privacy for a while, not necessarily for any particular activity?  If you are lucky enough to have a large enough living space one can always go into another room for a while without making a dramatic production of it, just go.  If there is not likely to be a lineup for your bathroom, that’s another resource when you want to be alone.

What do you do when you really have had more than enough of the people with whom you live during this quarantine time or any other time?  How can you get alone time for yourself without hurting their feelings?

The questions above may be two different things.  Leaving the house to “get something at the grocery”, “visit a friend”, “take a walk to get some fresh air”, are all ways to get some alone time by excusing yourself and just going.  Yes, your family member or partner may offer to go with you and then you may have to say it: “No thank you.  I’d really like some time alone.”

Often getting out of the house won’t satisfy the need for being alone INSIDE your dwelling, to be alone in your own space.  You might want to pluck your eyebrows, read a dopey magazine, masturbate, and it seems like there is always somebody there. This one is a bit harder.  Sure, you can suggest that the other person or people go to that great new movie when you’d rather read a good book.  You might be able to say that. You can encourage your partner, roommate, or family member to do something you know they enjoy because you plan to go to bed early.  Or, even better, see if you can get those with whom you live to do something out of the house on a regular basis: take a class, join a men’s or women’s group, go bowling or anything you know they like or might like but perhaps are not doing because they are afraid you might feel left behind.  Sometimes all the “No really”s in the world won’t get them out of the house if they are convinced you’d feel lonely or left out.

Okay, if so, it’s time to take the bull by the horns. “Honey (or honeys), I would really love spending an evening home alone.  Do you think you might find something to do that’s fun some night this week or even one night as week regularly.” Unless those with whom you live are very sensitive they may feel relieved that you suggested first what perhaps they were also thinking.

Say it with a smile, make your suggestion with enthusiasm, touch the arm of whomever you’re talking to when you bring it up, assure the other person they will be missed, and enjoy the delights of being alone inside or out.  Just make sure you make this suggestion before you go batty from just too much togetherness.

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If you feel what you have to say needs saying then there are a few ways you can make it easier, though probably never easy, on both of you.

*  The method of delivering what you have to say is important.  A post-it, a text, a phone message, are all cop-outs.  If this news is likely to cause upset and the person to whom you’re talking is someone with whom you have a relationship say it in person if at all possible.  “You’re fired”, “The test was positive”, “Our relationship is over”, “Your cat was run over by a car” are too important not to be said face-to-face if at all possible.

*  Consider practicing what you have to say.  Write it out and edit it if you must to find the gentlest way you can. You might even practice with a close friend until you have it down.

*  Choose a time and place that is private and open ended.  Not before sleep.  Not before work. And don’t set the other person up to worry about it all day.  Remember grade school when the principal told you first thing that she wanted to talk to you after school?

*  Don’t protect yourself by saying it in a public place, hoping the other person will be too embarrassed to make a scene, unless you are worried about physically protecting yourself. Then a public place or having someone with you is a good idea.

*  Try to give some examples if you are delivering some bad personal news such as “I’m worried about your health. When was the last time you saw a dentist?  Your breath has not smelled fresh lately.”

*   If you don’t want this communication to end your relationship assure the other of your desire not to do so, only to change something between you.

*  If you want to soften what you have to say touching the other person while you talk may be helpful.

Hearing unpleasant news from you face to face may be harder on you but it may be easier on the other person and you both will eventually respect you for doing so.

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