-“Does this mean I want to do this in real life?”
– “Does it mean that I am really gay/bisexual/straight?”
– “Should I try to enact it in real life?”
– “What does this dream/fantasy say about me?”
– “How can I make this fantasy come true?”
Although it has been about 15 years since my last “Ask Isadora” column where I answered readers’ questions was published I still get questions like the above at least once a week, sometimes more often, usually through email but occasionally in the mail. Perhaps if I answer them here we’ll all be better off.
What does a sexual dream or fantasy mean? It means you’re human! How often do you (or anyone) dream that you’re late for class or for an important exam? No matter how many years school is in your past, this is a common anxiety dream. How about dreams where you’re naked or have a clothing mishap that leaves you exposed? That’s very common too and it certainly doesn’t mean you want to lose your pants at a party. So no, dreams usually don’t express a desire but often do express something you’re feeling such as anxious or afraid of being laughed at.
We are all sexual beings, so to dream sexually about men if you are a lesbian or about a threesome if you are monogamous only means that you are human. Do you want to actually act upon whatever your dream or fantasy was? That’s up to you. The dream or fantasy does not mean a desire to act upon it necessarily. It’s usually a passing sexual thought, no more.
Should you try to act out your sexual vision? Your choice, your life. Some sexual fantasies such as riding bareback on a unicorn are clearly fantasies only. Others like throwing yourself at your boss are just not a good idea for anyone. Many fantasies might be doable but after some waking thought, would you really want to?
What does a dream or fantasy say about you? Again, usually no more than you’re human with a curious mind. If it is a repeating dream or recurring fantasy you might want to examine it more calmly in the light of day and ask yourself is this something you would like to try to make come true. Is it legal? How might you do this? What are the possible outcomes? Then make your decision about any actions in the cold light of day. A dream or fantasy, even one that’s frequent, does not say anything about you that you don’t already know.
Lastly, how do you make a fantasy come true? Years ago I had a counseling client who fantasized about having sex in a swimming pool with his wife dressed in evening clothes. He asked her to and she refused. It seemed too “weird”. He came to see me about how to make his dream come true. He didn’t want to hire a sex worker to do it; he wanted his wife. Their shower or bath at home wouldn’t do. I asked to see her in my office to explore her objections. Would she prefer he acted out his fantasies with another woman? No. Would she prefer he wanted to enact a fantasy potentially harmful or illegal? No. This was harmless and within the boundaries of monogamy. I strongly urged her to reconsider for the sake of her loving husband. She eventually did. No, she never got as into it as he did, but it wasn’t terrible for her and it was blissful for him. They negotiated this act for twice a year and both were satisfied.
What if you are a single person whose fantasy is strong and specific? How then do you fulfill it? If you need a partner in its completion you either find a partner and establish a relationship or you hire someone whose work is to fulfill fantasies and ask specifically for what you want. That’s usually how any of us get what we want in any situation, sexual or not – we ask for it. That’s not a guarantee that your partner or sex worker will agree, but it’s a good try.
Finally, what if your fantasy is weird, so weird you’d be embarrassed to tell anyone: you want to have sex with a brindle cow or tied to a tree and be whipped with licorice sticks, or worse…or more creative. All above applies. Your life, your choice. If asked specifically, someone will no doubt oblige you whether for love or for money.