* My new girlfriend, a woman in her 50’s, has a history of being abused as a child. I don’t know the details. She says that because of what happened to her she does not enjoy sexual contact and can not reach orgasm. Is there no hope for her?
I wouldn’t say that. Many survivors of childhood horrors can live a full and happy sexual life. I have always said, as many others do, that it’s not what happens that forms us but our beliefs about what happens. Someone who has had polio is probably not ever going to be able to run as well as someone who has not, but s/he might be able to with practice and training to run pretty damn well, or well enough. If your woman friend (50’s is too old to be a girlfriend to my way of thinking) really wants to heal from her traumas and learn how to enjoy her sexuality a good therapist can help her accomplish just that. As much as you might want it for her or for the two of you, she has to really want it for herself and do the work required in therapy.
*I have a cousin who I know is a gay man. He recently left me a message that he’s getting married next month – to a woman! Why would a gay man marry a woman?
Well, he may be a leopard who is changing his spots. He may want to receive or provide tax benefits, citizenship, health insurance, or some other goody that only the legally married can have. He may want to co-parent, buy real estate, or just live with a good friend. People do marry for reasons much better, or at least different than lust or love that often proves temporary. Come to think of it, I can attest to the fact that love between a gay man and a straight (or otherwise woman) is possible as well. A partnership is a partnership, however the two define it. Romantic love as a basis for marriage is a relatively recent development and doesn’t have that great a track record, do you think?
* I’m a 24 year old man. I like having a girlfriend but I don’t want to be tied down with just one woman. I don’t think of myself as a player and I don’t want to cheat. Am I in an impossible box?
Not at all. Difficult, maybe, but certainly not impossible. Monogamy is not the only possible relationship model, serial or otherwise, although often the popular media would have one think so. Just as one would think Christianity is the only U.S. religion and young and thin the only definition of sexy. Many people are not mainstream. Some are more open about their non-mainstream choices like Pagans or Chubby Chasers, polyamory groups or the growing setup of Friends with Benefits. Some couples just follow a don’t-ask, don’t- tell policy, while still others negotiate an open relationship that suits all parties. That can look like anything the people in it want it to. “We’re monogamous while in town but business trips don’t count” or “only with strangers and not with our friends”. If you are honest with any new prospective partner and play safe with all, there’s no reason why you can’t have more than one sexual partner or several types of relationships simultaneously. Just don’t expect to encounter a whole lot of women who share your views.