* How do you know someone is a sex addict? Is sex addiction biological or environmental?
I never use the term sex addict. I talk about compulsive behaviors that get in the way of daily living. I teach better ways to deal with such urges and compulsions. The tendency to overindulge or get hooked on anything (food, drugs, sex, thrills) is influenced by both biological and environmental factors. My father smoked a pipe occasionally throughout his life the same way my mother smoked cigarettes, upon occasion. I smoked regularly every day of my life, in increasing amounts, from the first time tried a cigarette at age 14 until I quit cold turkey at 45. Since most people do not want to quit sexual activity entirely, the goal of therapy is to learn to manage sexual urges in a way that they become a regular part of life and not a problem. Another possibility is to learn to substitute something that’s less problematic, such as exercising rather than habitual public flashing.
* I’ve been seeing this guy for several months. When we first started dating he said he didn’t want to get serious. Okay. So we’ve been dating at least once a week every week and sleeping together. I don’t want to put any pressure on him but I would like to know where I stand, you know? I don’t even know if dating anyone else or sleeping with anyone else.
I think putting it to him just like you did to me – “I would like to know” – seems like a fair subject for discussion. You could even add the disclaimer of not wanting to pressure him, just wanting to have a clearer picture of your relationship. You could also ask him where he sees this going, if anywhere, since he may want things just as they are indefinitely. An ongoing relationship of seeing eachother every week or so and sleeping together with no questions asked sounds like a great arrangement for many people.
* I am a professional man of 48 and the woman I am dating is in her fifties. How do I introduce her to others? At our ages “girlfriend” seems silly, don’t you think?
I do. Depending on the nature of your relationship and the person to whom you are making introductions she could be your friend, your special friend, your woman friend , your lover, your sweetie, or the Light of My Life.
* I am 17 years old and I can’t keep an erection. Help!
If the difficulty is with a partner it may well be because you’re new to it all. Feelings can be overwhelming with issues of performance, privacy concerns, safety, unwanted pregnancy (if with a female.) For men of any age, erections can be erratic when with a new partner or when one stops in the middle of things to put on a condom (which I certainly hope you are using!). You can always ask your partner to help you put it on by placing his or her hands over your penis to help smooth it in place. If you can’t keep your erection when you are sexual by yourself ir may be because you don’t have enough privacy in which to relax or a good fantasy to keep your mind occupied. If guilt is troubling you, you need to look at that and decide whether you want to get over it or not. If none of these things seem to be the problem you will need to be honest with a doctor and be checked out for possible physical problems which would be best addressed as soon as possible.